Working on the mental side.

I really need to stop putting myself down physically. I still do it, but the little comments about how 2400m is a long way have got to go. I have to stop putting myself down as an athlete and start really stepping it up. What your mind believes your body does. It's time to grow up as an athlete, so to speak, and really start the mental aspect of training. Not think I can train to 20 MPH, but start doing it. Really embody and own 20 MPH (bike). I'm starting to make headway into the pushing myself in workouts. Now it's time to start talking myself up to myself. Embody strong, capable. Not in the future, now. That's as much part of triathlon training as any run.

Mentally building yourself.

So there's this whole talk at a bulletin board about the mental aspect of training.  Going faster because you think you can.  The mind as opposed to the body being the limiter.  And I want so bad to post something but I'm not sure what because my gut instinct is that no, you can't just think yourself faster, but if it bothers me that much, is it because there is some truth to it?  So I've been mulling it over.

I mean, I went one day from five minutes ran to thirty just because I thought I could.  I was doing the couch to 5K program and got sick at the point of running five minutes straight then got better, someone posted something on FB that had nothing to do with that and I can't even remember what it was and I went and ran thirty minutes.  There's many instances where I've just done just that.  I did a marathon with no training.  Why can't I accept that I'm limiting myself now?  Is it because I know how painful the freeing process will be?

Had an interesting situation happen during weights this morning.  I've been feeling queasy all week, but not more than I usually feel queasy due to the dizziness, so not worse than normal.  I haven't been feeling the workouts this week, though.  Trainer session was particularly not fun, and if I have no fun during trainer session there's something physically wrong with me that day.  We've been having temperatures of over 110 degrees this week.  But anyway there I am towards the beginning of the weight session, about 20 minutes in, and I feel particularly queasy.  Now I'm not a big sweater.  I just don't sweat, I moist.  All of a sudden buckets of sweat start pouring down my arms and face, I'm dripping sweat standing still, shirt getting wet.  I walk around the indoor track once and feel ok enough to continue.  It's going to take a lot more than feeling like crap to stop me from finishing a workout :)  By the end of the hour I'm dry as usual.  Maybe it's time for a physical.

During trainer session yesterday though I tried to push myself harder.  The HR monitor seems to be malfunctioning and the cadence sensor was not pairing so I don't have data but I went by RPE and trued my hardest to go all out and I feel I barely touched the all out but at least I'm thinking about it now and did almost get there.  I recover quickly but I can't stay in a high level of intensity for too long, so that's what I have to work on, and that will happen during Trainer Tuesdays (I just came up with that ha) and Track Fridays (Fasttrack Fridays?  Yeah, no, that's reaching too much).

I'm so afraid of blowing up and not finishing a workout like it's the worst thing that could happen in the world that I don't really push myself.  But I think that's just a small part of that, I really think I'm not really pushing myself and I don't know why, so I'm going to consciously spend the next following weeks building up my mind.  I pushed during the 4 miler 10:04mm run today.  Inside track but I was still disappointed in those results, I thought I had 9:XX average for sure.  Heart rate 11X or so?  Don't think so.  Around 170 calories for four miles, something calculated off the average HR?  I think there's something wrong with the HR strap.  I have another one, will replace the battery and see if that one works any better.  I had the premium strap but can't find a screwdriver small enough so I've been using the standard one that you can open with a coin so easier to swap batteries but I'm just gonna go to Best Buy and have the Geek Squad open and close for me :)

So I think I'm finally getting the swimming (yeah, where have you heard that one before... but this time I really mean it....).  I started thinking of pulling myself to the other side by a rope.  And I started realizing that the harder I stroked the harder I went against the water to the point that it felt I was fighting the water and I started thinking that it just created more resistance instead of taking it away so I tried to swim "softer" so to speak, and glide instead of fight.  I did 10 X 100, the first five at 2:2X and the second five at 2:1X.  Those are awesome numbers for me.  Gonna see if I can recreate later today in swim.  So think ladder, soft, go easier to go faster (which seems counterintuitive doesn't it?).

Easy week this week but next week with the deluxe chest HR strap and a 50 miler or so, I'm going to push it hard on the bike.  Mental training has begun.

I'm off the supplements.  I can't take the pills.  So muscle gain won't  be optiman but I can live with that.  Getting me some gummy bear vitamins.  I was doing upwards of 27 pills in a day just with the multivitamins, vitamin D, fish oil, BCAAs, and Glutamine.  I just can't.

Supplements.

Thought I'd write a little note on what supplements I'm taking.  Not endorsing them or not, just listing them.  I view supplements in two camps, those meant to enhance and those meant to recover.  I'm not interested in those meant to enhance, just recover. 

Daily
*  Multivutamin - 3 caps X 1
*  Fish oil - 1 cap X 3
*  BCAAs - 4 caps X 3 - Branched-chain amino acids
*  Glutamine - 2 caps before, 2 caps after each workout, works out to 8 caps most days
*  Vitamin D - 1
So on a given day that's 3 + 3 + 12 + 8 + 1 = 27 caps.  Whew.  And they are HUGE!!

I have specially noticed more energy since I started taking them all.  We'll see how they help muscle mass and endurance and performance.  Less than a week so far.

"Surrendering myself" one more time.

So I read something about not doing more than what's on your schedule, adding a mile here and there, etc.  Me personified, in other words.  Hating off days, competitive, etc.  I keep telling this friend of mine that NOW I'm ready to surrender myself to coach and plan, as I like to call it.  First it was the group classes at the gym and as the time goes I get a stronger sense that I'm really not going back to them (heart holds on to hope!).  Then it was scheduling group rides and runs into the schedule.  There that went.  It's funny because I keep telling my friend ok now I surrender and she keeps saying yeah right.  I'm in (again, and again, and again....)... no more extra miles or minutes.  Coach took away miles from trainer and track since I would add to the workout at the end to get to those miles.  I found that funny.  So now I have no miles goal, just the workout session.

I'm starting to feel better about the HIM.  I'm up to 8 miles and I need to be at 13.1 by October 20th.  Taking away a two week taper that's still 13.5 weeks away.  I'll be able to run a HM by then.  45 on the bike and need to be at 56.  I can do the 2000 swimming now, so that was never an issue.  We'll see how fast (or slow ha) I do it.  But it's starting to take shape and I'm starting to freak out less about the distance part at least.  Still freaking out about the speed.  11.4 MPH at Charleston isn't going to get me 12 MPH+ at Boulder Beach (and like to workout as I may, I really don't want to be out there the full eight hours).

Yesterday's run wasn't as easy as the other ones and at mile six I had to mentally settle down for the last two.  Maybe it was just an off night, but I had to apply a bit of effort to finish and I hadn't had to do that so far when it came to the runs, I just ran.

Doing the loop on Sunday, looking forward to that and how I compare with my first time, especially since I now have clipless and the compact crank.

So somebody told me that progress is not linear which is what I'm hoping, that there's spikes up in performance.

I found out during yesterday's strength that I can now go on plank and then get down on my elbows and get back up to plank without being on my knees, and I couldn't eight weeks ago.  They do this particular move in BodyPump all the time and I could never do it.  Kind of amazed I can.  I can do something now I couldn't do before.  Hanging on to a bar with arms bent... I got three good ones then it all went to the crapper.  Well, that's three more than when I started.  And on Saturday I was able to raise my legs up to a 90 degree angle in that stationary ab machine where you hold yourself up with 90-degree arms.  And today surprisingly I can now use a stability ball and roll out all the way to my ankles.  Hard as hell and I fell off a couple of times the third set but amazed I can do it at all.  Strength is slowly and steadily improving.  At least I can do something right ha.

Each day that passes I get more hopelessly addicted to the training.  I am having the time of my life.  I start running, throw my head back, and laugh.  I smile under water.  Biking's just as fun.  This is not work, this is a blast.  The strength training has become as fun as the SBR.  There is nothing I'd rather be doing right now than training for the Ironman.

I am so glad I decided to go with CdA instead of Texas.  I won't do my first IM at 34, I'll do it at 35, but all I hear is how great the crowd support is, and since Texas registration has now been delayed over a month, how much do the TX people really love their IM?  Getting so excited.  IMCdA13 or Bust! is my new motto =)

Well, whaddaya know, maybe I AM going as hard as I can.

So yesterday 7/3/12 was my third year anniversary of when I started working out (7/3/09).  Had a swim session in the morning and managed a 200 at 4:34 which is awesome time for me, that's 2:17 for a 100 X 2.  Even the last 200 when I had already swam for an hour was sub-5 (4:59) which is still awesome for me at 2:30/100 instead of 3:00.

Coach got three swim aides (I don't know what the third one is, I used one Saturday and that one and another one Tuesday).  One of them is what I like to call the Metronome.  You put it around your waist and as you rotate it makes a clicking sound, but you more feel it than hear it in the water, and after using it in two sessions for about 500m total if that, I am rotating A LOT better and pretty consistently.  It's like my body "gets it" now.  I've believed throughout my life that I was an auditory learner... explain it to me and I'll learn the best.  Or show it to me.  But it turns out I'm a pretty good tactile learner - if I can feel it, I can recreate it.  I love that toy :)

The second one I got to use for the first time Tuesday are things you snake your arm and hands through and they keep your wrist straight for the catch.  Apparently I open my hands instead of keeping them cupped and I lose my catch on the right more so than on the left.  I kept looking at my hands with "The Immobilizer" and trying to capture the feeling and the memory of what my arms, wrists, and hands feel and look like with them on, and I think they really helped also.  So cool seeing video of me swimming.  So it's all coming together.  And I think I finally "get it" in that the hand movement is like a windmill.  That's what kept going through my mind today, a windmill gliding through the water (which I guess was why my catch kept dropping), so if I windmill through the pool while keeping the position of The Immobilizer while imagining I have The Metronome on, I'm golden.  There I was swimming and really enjoying myself, I couldn't keep the smile from my face as I was under the water.  It is so much fun.

Also got video of me running through email (the video, not the running).  Got the feedback of push hips forward and run light on my feet.  I then asked how are you supposed to lean forward if you're pushing your hips out (because we're also told to lean forward), and was emailed back to lean from the ankles, not the hips.  There I am, laying in bed, thinking about this, and the thought that kept coming to my mind was "that's a very interesting proposition."  Can't wait to try it out on tonight's 8-miler.  I'm just trying to wrap my head around the dynamics of leaning from the ankles as opposed to the hips. 

Had lactate test tonight, warmup, then 30 minutes hard effort 90+ cadence broken into 10 then the recorded 20, I just lapped it.  Average 146 with max 164.  I average in the 130's in my rides.  Then we had three more 5-minute intervals just to add some time to the workout.  And I started thinking.  I was under the impression I wasn't going hard enough on the bike.  But I was just starting to start falling apart at the last three intervals, and the whole workout was just 1:20.  No way I can keep that for 3 hours or more.  16.XX miles, no way I can keep that for 45, I was already starting to deteriorate rapidly.  So maybe I physically DO suck that badly and I just need to put TITS (which, while not the greatest of acronyms, gives the great advice of Time In The Saddle).  Maybe I'm NOT sandbagging and I got pacing right and maybe it'll just take longer to build myself.  This made me lean a little bit more that maybe by ~133 heart rate average for 3:30+ hours rides IS a hard effort for me and I'm using RPE correctly.  Now that I'm getting zones back from coach maybe I can use that to assuage my fears that I'm not going hard enough.  But it was very interesting for me to notice that.  I wasn't expecting to come to the realization that my 11.3 MPH on hills WAS the best I could do right now for 40+ miles.

Doing the loop for the second time Sunday with coaching groupmate, first time clipless with the compact crank, interesting to see the difference from the first time a few months ago.

Growing pains?

You know what I've realized these past few days?  I'm getting very territorial about my long run and ride.  Rides are 3-4 hours long now and runs almost an hour and a half.  I have eight coached/group sessions a week:  three swim, one track run, three weight training, and one group trainer session.  At 13:20 now, that's over half of my weekly sessions (8.5 hours since trainer session is 1.5 hours).  Need to add three and a half hours just to get to half.  So I do enough stuff in groups.  Even if I were doing the full IM load of 20 hours, I think I'd still want those 12 hours to myself and the eight group sessions would be enough of a group setting.  I'm not --against-- group stuff and if a chance to go ride or run with someone comes along I'd take it.  But I'm not necessarily seeking it out.  If it happens, it happens.  Last week I had an extra alone trainer session, this week I don't (the extra five bike miles and extra run mile take care of the 45 minutes on the trainer time-wise).  I've come to really enjoy working out on my own and I can go at my own pace.  I view it as almost kind of selfish.  That run and that bike is my alone time with myself.  And there's something different about alone time with yourself while you're laying in bed vs. running and biking.  I need time with myself running and biking.  It's like I'm searching for something.  And yet, I also look out every week for opportunities to partner up for that long run and ride.  That's a gift that triathlon training has given me, the ability to go solo or in a group, and after being positively absolutely certain I could never work out on my own, I appreciate how big and special of a gift it is.  I used to say, literally, that if I had to work out alone I'd be fat.  That's no longer the case.

Something's been happening to me.  I've been teethering for the last week or so into falling, how do I put it, into that place where you really discover yourself.  I've been suspicious for months now, since I started training, that I'm scared of going hard.  Why, well now that's the million dollar question isn't it.  Specially on the bike.  Pacing, pacing, pacing.  I don't know how to pace.  It's an art and a science.  Pushing enough so that you have nothing left at the end but making sure you don't run out of energy before you run out of workout.  How to hit that perfect spot.  I don't know how, and it's something I'll have to develop in the next year.  But at least now I've been mentally toying with the idea of --really-- pushing myself and testing my physical and mental limits.  It's like I'm at the edge of dark cold waters dipping my right big toe in.  Testing it out to see how cold it is and whether I really want to jump in.  There's something alluring about that place where you --really-- your physical and mental limits, and it's calling my name.  I think I'm ready to become an athlete.

How do I push past that fear and test my limits?  I think the trainer session tonight will provide the perfect opportunity.  Lactate threshold test and all.  Got the derailleur fixed and the tires switched, trainer ready, and getting some GatorSkins this Friday so I'll be on the road Sunday.  Two things go wrong and I have no downtime, couldn't have asked for more.

Why do I fear pushing myself?  Part of me wonders if it's fear or just lack of knowledge. Let's take the pool.  Coach says off-handedly something alone the lines that your hand is kind of cupped when you stroke as if it's general knowledge.  Well, *I* didn't know, I thought it was supposed to be straight.  Nobody ever told me.  Same kind of concept.  No one's ever taught me how to really push beyond myself.  I don't have a lifetime experience of being an athlete.  Three years if you count the group classes.  Six months if you count triathlon training.  So I'm very much in my infancy of athleticism.  It may just be a matter of time and letting the process happen.  If so, I think I'm at the adolescent stage now, rebelling.  Discovering myself.  Angry.  Why can't I be better, why can't I go faster, why I can't go longer, I want it --now--.  But I can wait, because I know it will happen eventually and I'm trying to breathe in and remember as much of the process as possible.  I can't remember the process when I went through the group classes, the change.  It's all a blur, nebulous.  I don't want to blink and miss it this time around.  I want to undertand it, to remember it, to savor it, to save it forever.

Head against the wall, head against the wall, 11.3, 11.4 miles per hour on the bike.  "Normal" people train for six months and go 14-17 MPH easy.  My body doesn't seem to respond like other people's and it is soooo frustrating.  That little nagging voice saying, what if I never get better.  What if 11mm is something to be excited about when running.  Why can't I be pulling 9 minute miles like normal people, like everyone else?  Why can't I train myself to 7 and 8 minute miles after six months of training?

It's a good thing I have the perfect combination of hard-headedness, stubborness, hope, and faith.
I want to be good.  I want to put in the hours, I want to put in the time, I want to put in the effort, I want to put in the training.  I just would like to know that sooner or later I'll get results.  I don't care how long it takes as long as it happens eventually.  Is it one of those things that just suddenly one day your body wakes up and goes, hello, let's do this?  Shoots up exponentially?

Screw 95 North, I'm staying at Red Rock.  Me and my 11 MPH hills.  Mine mine mine :)  Watching people go by past me their legs moving effortlessly at 17 MPH while mine struggle at 7-9 MPH up the hills.  Why can't my legs move like that.

I am beginning to really crave training.  Getting to the point of no return where the training really seeps into my body and overtakes it for as many hours that week as the calendar says and nothing else matters but the task at hand.  Time to get serious.  14 weeks to Pumpkinman and counting.

First bike repair.

Had my first 40-miler yesterday, Sunday.  Excited to get into distances, this week it's 45.  Came upon this great idea to start at Dunkin Donuts/Albertsons, go out 10 miles, come back, go out 10 miles, come back.  That way I "only" have to go 10 miles at a time, which helps.  Also makes nutrition very easy to figure out by cutting it into chunks.  This week it would be 11.25 X 4.  I think of it as two loops =)

So got back after the first 20 and leaned the bike on the car and reapplied sunscreen and the bike fell on the derailleur side.  Went to DD for a pit stop and when I set back out the pedals were catching and I had troubls shifting.  Got a guy to stop and he said I had a bent derailleur (de. for short, gets long to type all that out) hanger, and that it was probably $15 or so to replace.  I had to pedal in the fourth gear because the other three were clanking and going up those hills is hard on the fourth gear.  Stopped at Calico Basin and this guy tried to fix it and he made it worse so now I had to be in the FIFTH gear for the remaining 10 miles or so.  8 miles out from the car I had a flat tire.  A guy stopped along with a couple in a tandem.  The guy owned a sandwhich chain (forget the name) and the guy in the tandem manufactured tires for commercial bikes.  The guy with the sandwhich shop seemed to know how to change a tire better and quicker.  My tube had a valve that was too short (shot a safety valve at me!) so the sandwhich shop guy gave me his spare tube.  Made it back in the fifth gear.

Screw flats (as in terrain), I will take my bike out to Red Rock every week at 11 MPH.

Getting the de. fixed today so that I can get on the trainer for the lactate test Tuesday and then the trainer for the 45 miles Sunday, and getting 2 GatorSkin tired on Friday + shipping time, I should only have to do one ride inside before I get the tires changed (the tire with the puncture is toast).  Did get the 40 miles in.  Although I had a total paused time of 1:01.  If I have the bike shop switch out the front and back tires I can use it in the trainer indefinitely (hopefully not too indefinitely, just three rides, two group trainer Tuesday sessions and Sunday's long ride).

When it rains, it pours!  I was like, seriously?  A flat?  Today of all days?  And the same week I shelled out $656.XX for Ironman.  Well, it lasted 1400 miles or so.