Saturday, June 30, 2012
So Texas is out, Coeur d'Alene is in.
Huge news an yet I waited two days to post about it. Coach and training partner decided to do CdA (Coeur d'Alene) in Idaho so I jumped on it too. I won't do my first IM before 35 (it will be less than a month after), but I'll be racing with people I know and I've read that the town of CdA really gets behind IM in a way that people in TX don't, and that's something huge to make your first IM memorable. Getting more excited by the second. Paid for it Thursday. Paying for it makes you more excited and freaked out. I do have to deal with hills now and cold (50's?) water. Time to get ready! 6/23/13.
First track workout... whoohoo :)
So I had my first track workout this morning (Friday when I started writing this). Run fast, recover, run fast, recover, pretty much for almost an hour. I ran a quarter of a mile in 2:01 and thought to myself, whoa, that's 8:04 for a mile, I've never ran a mile that fast!! Then I really put my heart into the third one and I was going to run a sub-2 no matter what... I ran a 1:51. That's a 7:24 mile!! Granted, I can't keep it up for a mile, but that's how it all starts!! A year of this and I WILL be running multiple miles that fast!! But this morning I thought of myself as a 7:XX runner. I feel like I'm coming into my own as an athlete and starting to have faith in my athletic abilities.
And I realized something. All I have to do is show up. That's it. Show up to training for a year and I'll be hitting seven minute miles. I don't even have to do anything, just show up. It's gotten to the point that I'm getting as addicted to the SBR as I was to the group classes. Even when I'm running and it's hard and it's long I know that rush of endorphins is just minutes away and feels so good when it hits. In every training session there's ebbs and flows of good and sucky feelings, and you ride out the sucky feelings because you know the good ones are coming. It feels almost like cheating because I enjoy training so much, getting built up to do an IM from it seems kinds of unfair, like I'm not even working for it. Just like losing weight, I had so much fun doing it that it wasn't really an "accomplishment" ... there was nothing hard about it! There's nothing hard about finishing an Ironman, just tons of fun training! And this is from someone who almost quit after her first bike ride to go back to Zumba. And it's really just one step, one stroke, one pedal, just the amount of times varies. So I view the whole deal as having my cake and eating too. Like I'm being rewarded for having fun. Really, is there anything better?
And I realized something. All I have to do is show up. That's it. Show up to training for a year and I'll be hitting seven minute miles. I don't even have to do anything, just show up. It's gotten to the point that I'm getting as addicted to the SBR as I was to the group classes. Even when I'm running and it's hard and it's long I know that rush of endorphins is just minutes away and feels so good when it hits. In every training session there's ebbs and flows of good and sucky feelings, and you ride out the sucky feelings because you know the good ones are coming. It feels almost like cheating because I enjoy training so much, getting built up to do an IM from it seems kinds of unfair, like I'm not even working for it. Just like losing weight, I had so much fun doing it that it wasn't really an "accomplishment" ... there was nothing hard about it! There's nothing hard about finishing an Ironman, just tons of fun training! And this is from someone who almost quit after her first bike ride to go back to Zumba. And it's really just one step, one stroke, one pedal, just the amount of times varies. So I view the whole deal as having my cake and eating too. Like I'm being rewarded for having fun. Really, is there anything better?
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Swimmer's High and Trainer Class.
I THINK I may be getting the swimming!!! (I know, I've said this before, but now I mean it). I think I started to get it today. Coach said that I'm limp when I swim and that I need engage my whole body but not to tense up. So what did I work on today? Tensing up. Just like when I went bowling and I finally got that high score of 49 by aiming to the left instead of center. If I concentrate on tensing up, I'll engage the core a little bit. And I think I was gliding. I really think I was. When I was "learning to swim" I was told to exaggerate the hands out like a Y because -maybe- then they would be centered. Same philosophy, tense up and maybe I will engage the body a bit. Seems my lower body lags without me engaging it at all. Last swim session I also learned I don't swim straight, even following the black line, and I totally thought I was. Someone in BeginnerTriathlete said I was probably slower in the lake because of poor sighting and navigational skills. Seems they nailed it.
So I had my first group trainer class today. Can I just say that I love being told what to do? I love just showing up and doing, instead of thinking, planning, remembering, etc. It's great to turn off the brain and just engage the body. For the longest time I didn't see what the big deal was in having a personal trainer. Now I do. From now on as long as possible I plan to have some sort of trainer at all times, it is just awesome. Sure I could make myself lift weights alone now that I'm getting some idea for exercises and such, but it is just so much more fun to just go and do. So now 8 hours of my week are coached, and of those that are not coached one is a long run and one is long bike, so no real high-end thinking going on there. I can't emphasize enough how liberating it is not having to plan, analyze, construct, plan, make up, plan. Did I mention plan? Sure I'm going to have to learn how to construct a triathlon plan eventually and learn how to periodize and how to come up with an annual training plan and all that as I wish to be a lifelong triathlete, but this year is not that year. This is the year to lay back, relax, and enjoy the training.
So I said in the morning that I couldn't promise no singing. I had ==months== of pent-up inability to take group classes bottled up inside and I was going to enjoy the hell out of that group trainer workout, and I did. Music blasting in a group makes the trainer a lot of fun. Not the same as spin, though, feels a bit more like "work," but enjoyable nonetheless.
I'm having issues with determining if I'm pushing myself enough, because I think I'm scared I'll run out of energy before I run out of workout, so I think I'm too conservative. Going to do bike zones next week and run zones eventually so maybe that will help. And I think the track workouts starting this week will help with that also.
I'm so happy I got the swimming back. For a few sessions I wasn't feeling the swimming and I even dreaded them a bit the last two times, but I'm back to my swimming groove. Such a great feeling afterwards, the smile wouldn't leave my face. First runner's high, then biker's high, then weightlifter's high, now swimmer's high. There is nothing like that shot of endorphins all over the body. Feels awesome. Am I supposed to be working out? Because I'm just having fun here.
I was driving back from swim and passed the turn off for hills workout, and as I've done workouts around town now I have memories as I drive by then and just by the turnoff is enough to get that good feeling back, just as I start salivating listening to my run music lol
So I had my first group trainer class today. Can I just say that I love being told what to do? I love just showing up and doing, instead of thinking, planning, remembering, etc. It's great to turn off the brain and just engage the body. For the longest time I didn't see what the big deal was in having a personal trainer. Now I do. From now on as long as possible I plan to have some sort of trainer at all times, it is just awesome. Sure I could make myself lift weights alone now that I'm getting some idea for exercises and such, but it is just so much more fun to just go and do. So now 8 hours of my week are coached, and of those that are not coached one is a long run and one is long bike, so no real high-end thinking going on there. I can't emphasize enough how liberating it is not having to plan, analyze, construct, plan, make up, plan. Did I mention plan? Sure I'm going to have to learn how to construct a triathlon plan eventually and learn how to periodize and how to come up with an annual training plan and all that as I wish to be a lifelong triathlete, but this year is not that year. This is the year to lay back, relax, and enjoy the training.
So I said in the morning that I couldn't promise no singing. I had ==months== of pent-up inability to take group classes bottled up inside and I was going to enjoy the hell out of that group trainer workout, and I did. Music blasting in a group makes the trainer a lot of fun. Not the same as spin, though, feels a bit more like "work," but enjoyable nonetheless.
I'm having issues with determining if I'm pushing myself enough, because I think I'm scared I'll run out of energy before I run out of workout, so I think I'm too conservative. Going to do bike zones next week and run zones eventually so maybe that will help. And I think the track workouts starting this week will help with that also.
I'm so happy I got the swimming back. For a few sessions I wasn't feeling the swimming and I even dreaded them a bit the last two times, but I'm back to my swimming groove. Such a great feeling afterwards, the smile wouldn't leave my face. First runner's high, then biker's high, then weightlifter's high, now swimmer's high. There is nothing like that shot of endorphins all over the body. Feels awesome. Am I supposed to be working out? Because I'm just having fun here.
I was driving back from swim and passed the turn off for hills workout, and as I've done workouts around town now I have memories as I drive by then and just by the turnoff is enough to get that good feeling back, just as I start salivating listening to my run music lol
Monday, June 25, 2012
I have an annual training plan and training woes.
So I found out through casual conversation that I have an annual training plan. Nothing before, since, or now has made me feel like an athlete like that has. The smile hasn't left my face. I don't need to know what the plan is, I just get a kick knowing that I have one.
So I found out I was getting shortened workout weeks because of races. Wish I had known! Not doing Vegas RAGNAR anymore. I was planning on making 2014 my RAGNAR year and just do all of them and just do 1 IM and 2 HIMs that year but I'm really getting into this whole SBR thing and I think I'm just going to keep with those and just do more HIMs and Olys and Sprints and maybe two IMs per year. I already did 3 RAGNARs, might as well do something new like some more marathons, some centuries, things like that.
My running and biking are getting slower, and I don't know why. It really may be just as simple as the heat and increased weekly miles. But at today's 11.4 MPH for 35 miles, I'm not meeting the cutoff for PM. 15 weeks to get to 12 MPH+ for 56. I do have my first 40 miler training ride this week, excited for that, and my first seven miler training run this week. I have ran 14 miles once and 7.XX miles a handful of times. Starting to enjoy the increased mileage. I'm about halfway distance wise for PM.
I view training as consistently hitting your head at a wall. You hope the wall breaks before your head does. In the same way, I hope I get better and my times break before my spirit does. But if I have anything going for me, it's endless hope.
It kind of ticks me off, though, especially reading so many triathlon and SBR books. You come upon the sport, train, get better. I'm almost done with my sixth month and I have times worse than when I started. Longer distances, but worse times. I don't improve, I regress sigh. I have an average of 8 hours per week training from the beginning of the year until now, 9 if you add in the strength training. That's including when I started from scratch. I have the consistent training, where are my results? My coach said something I found quite brilliant when I told her I wans't progressing as quickly as I wanted. She said, "No one does." But it's not that I'm not progressing that fast, it's that I'm REgressing!!
One step forward, four steps back. That's how I view training.
I want sooooooooo bad to go a spinning class and sandbag it. Sit in the back corner, pretend I have resistance on, and just idly move my legs while I close my eyes and breath in the music, the instructor cuing, the people talking and texting. I'm starting to realize my next group class is going to be after 5/18/2013.
Coaching group is starting trainer workouts on Tuesday, we all meet together with our bikes and trainers. I realized this is as close as I'm going to come to a group class for the next year, so I plan to enjoy the hell out of it.
I miss group classes so bad but I don't know if I can go back to them. In a year I'd be able to go on pretty much any ride around town any day, do long runs just for fun, swim. Maybe just do the Ironman for now and then decide later. Should be easier to keep IM shape than getting there.
So I found out I was getting shortened workout weeks because of races. Wish I had known! Not doing Vegas RAGNAR anymore. I was planning on making 2014 my RAGNAR year and just do all of them and just do 1 IM and 2 HIMs that year but I'm really getting into this whole SBR thing and I think I'm just going to keep with those and just do more HIMs and Olys and Sprints and maybe two IMs per year. I already did 3 RAGNARs, might as well do something new like some more marathons, some centuries, things like that.
My running and biking are getting slower, and I don't know why. It really may be just as simple as the heat and increased weekly miles. But at today's 11.4 MPH for 35 miles, I'm not meeting the cutoff for PM. 15 weeks to get to 12 MPH+ for 56. I do have my first 40 miler training ride this week, excited for that, and my first seven miler training run this week. I have ran 14 miles once and 7.XX miles a handful of times. Starting to enjoy the increased mileage. I'm about halfway distance wise for PM.
I view training as consistently hitting your head at a wall. You hope the wall breaks before your head does. In the same way, I hope I get better and my times break before my spirit does. But if I have anything going for me, it's endless hope.
It kind of ticks me off, though, especially reading so many triathlon and SBR books. You come upon the sport, train, get better. I'm almost done with my sixth month and I have times worse than when I started. Longer distances, but worse times. I don't improve, I regress sigh. I have an average of 8 hours per week training from the beginning of the year until now, 9 if you add in the strength training. That's including when I started from scratch. I have the consistent training, where are my results? My coach said something I found quite brilliant when I told her I wans't progressing as quickly as I wanted. She said, "No one does." But it's not that I'm not progressing that fast, it's that I'm REgressing!!
One step forward, four steps back. That's how I view training.
I want sooooooooo bad to go a spinning class and sandbag it. Sit in the back corner, pretend I have resistance on, and just idly move my legs while I close my eyes and breath in the music, the instructor cuing, the people talking and texting. I'm starting to realize my next group class is going to be after 5/18/2013.
Coaching group is starting trainer workouts on Tuesday, we all meet together with our bikes and trainers. I realized this is as close as I'm going to come to a group class for the next year, so I plan to enjoy the hell out of it.
I miss group classes so bad but I don't know if I can go back to them. In a year I'd be able to go on pretty much any ride around town any day, do long runs just for fun, swim. Maybe just do the Ironman for now and then decide later. Should be easier to keep IM shape than getting there.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Ironman... it's about the journey. And other weighty (ha) issues.
At the beginning of this year I decided I wanted to go for it and do an Ironman (~154 pool lenghts, 112 mile bike ride, 26.2 mile run, all together). I dropped all group classes at the gym, got a coach. I wanted to write a bit about two things. One of them is how training an Ironman changes you, and the other is about weight. Before I do, though, a little explanation of what this blog is. It's a description of the journey. This is not how a journey should be or even what people should follow, this is just how it is for me. I use this kind of a stream of thoughts. This is not right or wrong, this just is.
I went to this relay race last week, and people that "knew" me on Facebook commented on how "tiny" I was. It bothered me a lot to be referred to as tiny, and that is because, in my mind, I really am not. It's a lie. I wouldn't call myself obese, more somewhere of chubby, and some days are just downright Fat Days, when I just feel fat. I'm not "thin" or "skinny" by any stretch of the imagination and I have no clue why people are saying that (this is what goes on in my head.... I'm 5'4" and 123 lbs, so yeah, objectively, I guess I'm thin). I've had a feeling from the beginning, and it's been validated a lot lately, that if you're fat/obese for 31 years, part of you inside always remains fat. At the beginning when I was still heavy it seemed my mind became "skinny" waaaaay before I did, wanting more and more and more, before my body got there. Now they did a switcharoo and while my body can do more, my mind's now the fat one.
I was at the gym the other day in my bathing suit and I took off my Garmin to weigh myself (it IS kind of bulky.....) because I wanted to get as much weight off of me as I could. When I was putting the watch back on this woman approached me and jokingly asked if taking the watch off helped. I told her it did, I needed as much help as I could when it comes to the weight department. She looked at me and laughed. She thought I was kidding. She didn't know the truth, that I'm fat.
So there's two weights, 114 lbs and 108 lbs. If you look at BMI, 108 lbs still gives me a health BMI. If you look at weight charts (I'm small framed, based on a 5.9" wrist.... <6.0" small, 6.0-6.25 med, 6.26+ large), the lowest healthy one is 114. Shooting for 114 lbs so 9 more to go. And I was thinking the other day what if I get to 114 and I still think I'm fat. Hell, what if I got to 108 lbs and still thought I was fat. But I'll be dammed if I let myself become underweight. So I decided for now to settle into 114 since everyone agrees that's healthy and then make a decision on 108-114. And if I get to 114 lbs and still think I'm fat? Then I will live fat the rest of my life. If my mind never catches up to my body, then so be it.
I'm reading a book about anorexia and I think anyone who loses a significant amount of weight (107 lbs for me so far) should read at least one book about anorexia. You need to immerse yourself in that frame of mind and explore the thoughts and impressions of people who go through it to make sure it never happens to you. It's very seductive to feel the power of having total and absolute control over your weight and getting to 80 lbs if you wanted to. And you may think you can toe the line and really control it and stop losing weight if you want to. That's where you have to be really careful. We all think we have control, but it's a veeeeeeery slippery slope and that control can be lost in a second. That's why I like charts and numbers. I can't trust my mind, my eyes, to tell me how I "look." From the beginning I decided to go by charts to make sure "that" never happened to me. I guess I could see the ease with which one can be lost into that mindset of never skinny enough. And who knows, maybe it wouldn't have happened to me, but I think you should expect anything in life and be prepared for it. We're not immune.
And I think it was just good fortune that I went seriously into triathlons when I did, because I now think of triathlons as my fail-safe. Lose enough weight and performance suffers, and performance is king. I don't think you can be seriously underweight and have a good performance. If performance suffers, weight goes up. I don't eat for emotions or stress. I eat to fuel. To perform. To nourish and give back and give thanks to a body that allows to do most of what I want. You get into something like triathlon and you appreciate health, fitness, your body so much more. You treasure it. You seriously want to thank it.
So that's where I am in regards to weight, 9 more lbs to go. Stay at 114 for a while, maybe forever, try to find out what the difference between 108 and 114 is. I do think as a society we have supersized ourselves as there's a knee-jerk reaction to think of people as "too skinny." There's a fear about thinness. We go too far in both extremes.
Now about the triathlon journey. I was taking 20+ hours a week of group classes last year, and then I went to a trip to Israel for 2 weeks in which I couldn't take any. It was like being cut off from a drug, having to abstain. I think that is what finally allowed me to transition (ha....) into triathlons, something which I tried to do last year and couldn't as I couldn't imagine life without group fitness classes. Zumba, TurboKick, wasn't for the waist, it was for the soul. I wasn't exercising to lose weight, I was exercising because it made me happy.
It started being about the endpoint, about Ironman. That first hour bike ride I did was horrible, I wanted to quit soooo bad, and I spent the whole hour riding to the next corner where I would quit and go back to Zumba. I had told my spin instructor about my IM aspirations and that helped me a lot in not quitting because I didn't want to go back after a month with my tail between my legs, a quitter. Shame is a very powerful motivator. It really is true, share your goals, it helps in reaching them.
Slowly, it has become about the journey. I have come to really enjoy swimming, biking, and running. At the beginning I realized I spent the whole time I was working out thinking about sitting down doing no thing and I spent the whole time sitting down doing nothing wishing I were working out. And if I always wanted what I wasn't doing, I was always going to be miserable. So I very consciously made myself feel, connect, and enjoy what I was doing at the moment and really live in the moment. You can train yourself to do that. If I'm biking, my mind is biking, I feel my muscles biking. I bike. If I'm sitting down, I enjoy sitting down. Instead of wanting what I'm not doing, I drown myself in the moment and feelings, colors, sensations that go along with it. And yes, that does increase happiness exponentially.
When I first wanted to lose weight I didn't want it to change me. I thought I could lose weight and remain the same inside. You can't. It changes you both outside and inside whether you want to or not. I don't take "credit" in losing weight, I was just hanging on for dear life while it was happening to me trying to make sense of the situation. Society tells you to lose weight, but it never mentions the psychological effects it has on you. You lose your identity (and I've always believed weight is a huge (no pun intended) part of identity, and have to create and embrace a new one, or a series of them as your identity keeps evolving. There's books on diets, exercise, etc., but no books that I've seen on how to psychologically deal with weight loss. No one gives you tools to psychologically deal with the death of your old self.
So, having slowly began to realize I was going to change inside whether I wanted to or not, the goal then became to guide myself into becoming someone I could be proud of. Guidelines. Don't become someone who thinks that, or does that, or feels this or that way. I'm being vague on purpose, but I saw how losing that much weight could turn me into a person I'd despise, and I worked hard to avoid that. But it was a very conscious decision.
The Ironman journey has done something else entirely. I've always been kind of laid back, the kind of person you can "walk over." But it was mostly because I didn't want to deal with the fuss and the work of standing up for myself. It was just easier to just ignore it or walk away. IM has changed that. Because let me tell you, you can't train yourself for something like an IM and think of yourself as weak. Something happens inside. You develop strength, confidence. Strength, mostly. It carries over to every aspect of your life. And I've found myself being a LOT more assertive, something I never was before. So what if there's a fuss, bring it. And I started weightlifting and that has added to it, because as you start feeling stronger physically, it awakens a hunger and a strength and just a feeling of power. That's really what it is, power, you feel powerful.
There's a danger to that to, that you go from laid back to assertive to a bully. And hell if I'm going to let that happen to me. Power is intoxicating, it's liberating. You want more. It's ok to feel powerful, but it has to come intrinsically, from inside, or at least extrinsically from inactive sources, i.e. conquering a hard bike ride. It should never come from comparison with another human being. Should never come from belitting others. Should never come from feeling better than others. And it should never come from abusing others. And I think there's a danger to that if you're not conscious of the possibility. Never think "that," that being anything, can't happen to you. Because ironically it's the same thing, isn't it? Thinking something imperfect can't happen to you is akin to being thought perfect. Know the vulnerabilities of being human and be conscious of what different life experiences can do to you so that you end up where you want to be.
The same thing happens to me strength-wise at the gym as it does shape-wise in front of the mirror. I'm going through a period of self-discovery. We had to do this thing in which we stepped up into a step, jumped up into a pull up bar, used the bar to pull our body up, hold it there briefly, and lower back down slowly. And I'm at another machine while someone else is doing it and I'm told I'm next. I laughed. Debbie doesn't, can't, do something like that. Doesn't have the strength. I actually laughed out loud, I seriously thought it was a joke and that it was something I would eventually do, but certainly not today, or the near future, just something I would look forward to being able to do after weeks or months of weightlifting.
She wasn't joking.
The first few times I was held up. I've discovered recently that I have a fear of heights. And I never knew this before because I had never been IN heights. My fear of heights appears proportionally to the distance I'm away from the floor. So I used someone to allow me to push off into the bar above. The last time, as I was getting more comfortable with the height and the whole process, I did it by myself. Maybe not as high or as long as the next person, but it was mindblowing that I could do something resembling what people stronger than me were doing. It's made me think a lot about the preconceptions I hold about myself. That's another thing this whole journey does. If you're wrong about this, what else are you wrong about? If you can do something that at first you find so ridiculous to even consider you could do, then what else are you telling yourself you can't do in other areas of your life? How can you use this process to better yourself? Because there's really no point in losing weight and gaining muscle if you're not also going to grow emotionally, culturally, spiritually, socially. And I don't think you can, as it's all interconnected.
I think an IM is what the person makes of it. If someone wants it as a physical bucket list, then they train, do one, and move on, and that is what they got out of it, and what they wanted to get out of it. Nothing wrong with that, in my opinion. There's no right or wrong, in IM or life, just what the person wants from it.
I want the IM to change me. I want it to be a life-altering experience. I think if you want to, you can change drastically through an IM and it can have far-reaching implications into the rest of your life.
My life seems to be full of life-altering experiences, and I've realized for a long time that that's just because I start every day looking for life-altering experiences. Be open to being changed, and it happens, kind of thing. Everything is a big deal because you are expecting it to be a big deal. Everything is special because you are expecting everything to be special. I want the IM to reach to my core and come out changed, stronger, different, more secure, confident, better. Better in the good sense of the word.
Know you're going to change, embrace the change, and just guide it along the road you want to follow. If you can't stop it, control it, use it, learn and grow from it. And enjoy it. Don't just look at goals, look at the journey, love the journey. Because that's where most of it happens, not at the end, but on the road there.
I went to this relay race last week, and people that "knew" me on Facebook commented on how "tiny" I was. It bothered me a lot to be referred to as tiny, and that is because, in my mind, I really am not. It's a lie. I wouldn't call myself obese, more somewhere of chubby, and some days are just downright Fat Days, when I just feel fat. I'm not "thin" or "skinny" by any stretch of the imagination and I have no clue why people are saying that (this is what goes on in my head.... I'm 5'4" and 123 lbs, so yeah, objectively, I guess I'm thin). I've had a feeling from the beginning, and it's been validated a lot lately, that if you're fat/obese for 31 years, part of you inside always remains fat. At the beginning when I was still heavy it seemed my mind became "skinny" waaaaay before I did, wanting more and more and more, before my body got there. Now they did a switcharoo and while my body can do more, my mind's now the fat one.
I was at the gym the other day in my bathing suit and I took off my Garmin to weigh myself (it IS kind of bulky.....) because I wanted to get as much weight off of me as I could. When I was putting the watch back on this woman approached me and jokingly asked if taking the watch off helped. I told her it did, I needed as much help as I could when it comes to the weight department. She looked at me and laughed. She thought I was kidding. She didn't know the truth, that I'm fat.
So there's two weights, 114 lbs and 108 lbs. If you look at BMI, 108 lbs still gives me a health BMI. If you look at weight charts (I'm small framed, based on a 5.9" wrist.... <6.0" small, 6.0-6.25 med, 6.26+ large), the lowest healthy one is 114. Shooting for 114 lbs so 9 more to go. And I was thinking the other day what if I get to 114 and I still think I'm fat. Hell, what if I got to 108 lbs and still thought I was fat. But I'll be dammed if I let myself become underweight. So I decided for now to settle into 114 since everyone agrees that's healthy and then make a decision on 108-114. And if I get to 114 lbs and still think I'm fat? Then I will live fat the rest of my life. If my mind never catches up to my body, then so be it.
I'm reading a book about anorexia and I think anyone who loses a significant amount of weight (107 lbs for me so far) should read at least one book about anorexia. You need to immerse yourself in that frame of mind and explore the thoughts and impressions of people who go through it to make sure it never happens to you. It's very seductive to feel the power of having total and absolute control over your weight and getting to 80 lbs if you wanted to. And you may think you can toe the line and really control it and stop losing weight if you want to. That's where you have to be really careful. We all think we have control, but it's a veeeeeeery slippery slope and that control can be lost in a second. That's why I like charts and numbers. I can't trust my mind, my eyes, to tell me how I "look." From the beginning I decided to go by charts to make sure "that" never happened to me. I guess I could see the ease with which one can be lost into that mindset of never skinny enough. And who knows, maybe it wouldn't have happened to me, but I think you should expect anything in life and be prepared for it. We're not immune.
And I think it was just good fortune that I went seriously into triathlons when I did, because I now think of triathlons as my fail-safe. Lose enough weight and performance suffers, and performance is king. I don't think you can be seriously underweight and have a good performance. If performance suffers, weight goes up. I don't eat for emotions or stress. I eat to fuel. To perform. To nourish and give back and give thanks to a body that allows to do most of what I want. You get into something like triathlon and you appreciate health, fitness, your body so much more. You treasure it. You seriously want to thank it.
So that's where I am in regards to weight, 9 more lbs to go. Stay at 114 for a while, maybe forever, try to find out what the difference between 108 and 114 is. I do think as a society we have supersized ourselves as there's a knee-jerk reaction to think of people as "too skinny." There's a fear about thinness. We go too far in both extremes.
Now about the triathlon journey. I was taking 20+ hours a week of group classes last year, and then I went to a trip to Israel for 2 weeks in which I couldn't take any. It was like being cut off from a drug, having to abstain. I think that is what finally allowed me to transition (ha....) into triathlons, something which I tried to do last year and couldn't as I couldn't imagine life without group fitness classes. Zumba, TurboKick, wasn't for the waist, it was for the soul. I wasn't exercising to lose weight, I was exercising because it made me happy.
It started being about the endpoint, about Ironman. That first hour bike ride I did was horrible, I wanted to quit soooo bad, and I spent the whole hour riding to the next corner where I would quit and go back to Zumba. I had told my spin instructor about my IM aspirations and that helped me a lot in not quitting because I didn't want to go back after a month with my tail between my legs, a quitter. Shame is a very powerful motivator. It really is true, share your goals, it helps in reaching them.
Slowly, it has become about the journey. I have come to really enjoy swimming, biking, and running. At the beginning I realized I spent the whole time I was working out thinking about sitting down doing no thing and I spent the whole time sitting down doing nothing wishing I were working out. And if I always wanted what I wasn't doing, I was always going to be miserable. So I very consciously made myself feel, connect, and enjoy what I was doing at the moment and really live in the moment. You can train yourself to do that. If I'm biking, my mind is biking, I feel my muscles biking. I bike. If I'm sitting down, I enjoy sitting down. Instead of wanting what I'm not doing, I drown myself in the moment and feelings, colors, sensations that go along with it. And yes, that does increase happiness exponentially.
When I first wanted to lose weight I didn't want it to change me. I thought I could lose weight and remain the same inside. You can't. It changes you both outside and inside whether you want to or not. I don't take "credit" in losing weight, I was just hanging on for dear life while it was happening to me trying to make sense of the situation. Society tells you to lose weight, but it never mentions the psychological effects it has on you. You lose your identity (and I've always believed weight is a huge (no pun intended) part of identity, and have to create and embrace a new one, or a series of them as your identity keeps evolving. There's books on diets, exercise, etc., but no books that I've seen on how to psychologically deal with weight loss. No one gives you tools to psychologically deal with the death of your old self.
So, having slowly began to realize I was going to change inside whether I wanted to or not, the goal then became to guide myself into becoming someone I could be proud of. Guidelines. Don't become someone who thinks that, or does that, or feels this or that way. I'm being vague on purpose, but I saw how losing that much weight could turn me into a person I'd despise, and I worked hard to avoid that. But it was a very conscious decision.
The Ironman journey has done something else entirely. I've always been kind of laid back, the kind of person you can "walk over." But it was mostly because I didn't want to deal with the fuss and the work of standing up for myself. It was just easier to just ignore it or walk away. IM has changed that. Because let me tell you, you can't train yourself for something like an IM and think of yourself as weak. Something happens inside. You develop strength, confidence. Strength, mostly. It carries over to every aspect of your life. And I've found myself being a LOT more assertive, something I never was before. So what if there's a fuss, bring it. And I started weightlifting and that has added to it, because as you start feeling stronger physically, it awakens a hunger and a strength and just a feeling of power. That's really what it is, power, you feel powerful.
There's a danger to that to, that you go from laid back to assertive to a bully. And hell if I'm going to let that happen to me. Power is intoxicating, it's liberating. You want more. It's ok to feel powerful, but it has to come intrinsically, from inside, or at least extrinsically from inactive sources, i.e. conquering a hard bike ride. It should never come from comparison with another human being. Should never come from belitting others. Should never come from feeling better than others. And it should never come from abusing others. And I think there's a danger to that if you're not conscious of the possibility. Never think "that," that being anything, can't happen to you. Because ironically it's the same thing, isn't it? Thinking something imperfect can't happen to you is akin to being thought perfect. Know the vulnerabilities of being human and be conscious of what different life experiences can do to you so that you end up where you want to be.
The same thing happens to me strength-wise at the gym as it does shape-wise in front of the mirror. I'm going through a period of self-discovery. We had to do this thing in which we stepped up into a step, jumped up into a pull up bar, used the bar to pull our body up, hold it there briefly, and lower back down slowly. And I'm at another machine while someone else is doing it and I'm told I'm next. I laughed. Debbie doesn't, can't, do something like that. Doesn't have the strength. I actually laughed out loud, I seriously thought it was a joke and that it was something I would eventually do, but certainly not today, or the near future, just something I would look forward to being able to do after weeks or months of weightlifting.
She wasn't joking.
The first few times I was held up. I've discovered recently that I have a fear of heights. And I never knew this before because I had never been IN heights. My fear of heights appears proportionally to the distance I'm away from the floor. So I used someone to allow me to push off into the bar above. The last time, as I was getting more comfortable with the height and the whole process, I did it by myself. Maybe not as high or as long as the next person, but it was mindblowing that I could do something resembling what people stronger than me were doing. It's made me think a lot about the preconceptions I hold about myself. That's another thing this whole journey does. If you're wrong about this, what else are you wrong about? If you can do something that at first you find so ridiculous to even consider you could do, then what else are you telling yourself you can't do in other areas of your life? How can you use this process to better yourself? Because there's really no point in losing weight and gaining muscle if you're not also going to grow emotionally, culturally, spiritually, socially. And I don't think you can, as it's all interconnected.
I think an IM is what the person makes of it. If someone wants it as a physical bucket list, then they train, do one, and move on, and that is what they got out of it, and what they wanted to get out of it. Nothing wrong with that, in my opinion. There's no right or wrong, in IM or life, just what the person wants from it.
I want the IM to change me. I want it to be a life-altering experience. I think if you want to, you can change drastically through an IM and it can have far-reaching implications into the rest of your life.
My life seems to be full of life-altering experiences, and I've realized for a long time that that's just because I start every day looking for life-altering experiences. Be open to being changed, and it happens, kind of thing. Everything is a big deal because you are expecting it to be a big deal. Everything is special because you are expecting everything to be special. I want the IM to reach to my core and come out changed, stronger, different, more secure, confident, better. Better in the good sense of the word.
Know you're going to change, embrace the change, and just guide it along the road you want to follow. If you can't stop it, control it, use it, learn and grow from it. And enjoy it. Don't just look at goals, look at the journey, love the journey. Because that's where most of it happens, not at the end, but on the road there.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
The Big Girl Step
I got to use the Big Girl Step today (refer to previous post). The first thing I did was freak out lol Not because it was difficult but because by gosh that thing is FAR UP from the ground!! Apparently I have height issues when I'm separated from the ground from a lot. That thing must have been five inches!! So I set it next to a machine so I can grab on as needed. Then I think, you're all talk, big macho this and that, big girl step et all, and grabbed that step and moved it away from stuff. Got used to the height after a few more reps. I had not counted on the height issue.
It only took 5.5 weeks :)
You know, you have to have a strong sense of self to weightlift lol Specially when the weight is always adjusted down from the person before you :) I am definitely one of if not the weakest person in my tri training group. And that's just the way I like it. I love being last. I love everyone getting better together. And I like testing how hard I can go and how quickly I can make progress. I was able to do situps in which I was in a downward incline, I don't think I could do those when I started working out. And I did that tricep exercise where you start with the bar over your stomach and bring it down and up. I used to struggle with 10 lbs and was using 5 lbs on each side for the triceps. Now I was using a 20 lb bar and it felt much easier than before. I'm noticing 25 lbs for some arm exercises. Very exciting times.
Going to ask for measurements in two weeks, after 8 weeks of training. I can't wait to see what a year of this brings.
Ran in the middle of the night at a break from work and the weather was AWESOME. 4 miles at 11:01 so I was satisfied :) Leave for RAGNAR tomorrow. I can't wait, this promises to at last be the RAGNAR experience I've been looking for.
The weight session Monday messed up my shoulder, it was crossing over the left arm holding a weight to the right side in front, that particular motion doesn't seem to do me a world of good. Better to skip it. I lost some range of motion which has happened before but not in over a year with BodyPump and it goes away after a couple of days. I was surprised that the shoulder did wonderfully today and only gave me issues with one exercise in which I had to hop to the side then reach forward, but after a couple of sets the shoulder "warmed up" and I regained full mobility and even now even though it hurts a bit more than usual when I do some moves I got all my range of motion back. I've found that a lot, when I'm sore, working out takes it away. It's really as if my body gets warmed and oiled and performs better working out than at rest.
It only took 5.5 weeks :)
You know, you have to have a strong sense of self to weightlift lol Specially when the weight is always adjusted down from the person before you :) I am definitely one of if not the weakest person in my tri training group. And that's just the way I like it. I love being last. I love everyone getting better together. And I like testing how hard I can go and how quickly I can make progress. I was able to do situps in which I was in a downward incline, I don't think I could do those when I started working out. And I did that tricep exercise where you start with the bar over your stomach and bring it down and up. I used to struggle with 10 lbs and was using 5 lbs on each side for the triceps. Now I was using a 20 lb bar and it felt much easier than before. I'm noticing 25 lbs for some arm exercises. Very exciting times.
Going to ask for measurements in two weeks, after 8 weeks of training. I can't wait to see what a year of this brings.
Ran in the middle of the night at a break from work and the weather was AWESOME. 4 miles at 11:01 so I was satisfied :) Leave for RAGNAR tomorrow. I can't wait, this promises to at last be the RAGNAR experience I've been looking for.
The weight session Monday messed up my shoulder, it was crossing over the left arm holding a weight to the right side in front, that particular motion doesn't seem to do me a world of good. Better to skip it. I lost some range of motion which has happened before but not in over a year with BodyPump and it goes away after a couple of days. I was surprised that the shoulder did wonderfully today and only gave me issues with one exercise in which I had to hop to the side then reach forward, but after a couple of sets the shoulder "warmed up" and I regained full mobility and even now even though it hurts a bit more than usual when I do some moves I got all my range of motion back. I've found that a lot, when I'm sore, working out takes it away. It's really as if my body gets warmed and oiled and performs better working out than at rest.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Training.... training... training in the river (sorry, wrong song)...
Had my first seven mile run yesterday in training. I've ran that much before but not in training, so it's a milestone for me. Halfway to a Half Marathon, whoohoo!! I've been very inconsistent when it comes to running, I will pull a 9:30mm average 5K in a Sprint then I'll run a seven miler at 13.XX and a four miler at 11.XX.... but then again it seems as I increase the distance the slower runs seems to get faster so I guess it's just a matter of trusting the process. At the beginning of the year I pulled out some 14.XX two-milers, so there's that. New long distances kinda scare me and intimidate me as I don't know if I can do them. But when it comes to running I guess I know if I run long enough I'll get there. Which is why I like not doing my own training plans because if it's on the schedule I can probably do it (slow, but doable). So I just have to run. I can consistently run an hour and a half now, so in 17 weeks I should be able to run more than the seven miles in that hour and a half. At 12 mm a half marathon would be 2:38. Wow, close to the 3:00 cutoff. At 3 hours which is the max for the half marathon at the HIM that leaves me 13.74 mms. So really at the pace I ran today I just have to double the distance at the same pace in 17 weeks.
I get jealous when I read about other people training longer and farther than me ha. Not faster, because that just comes with time. I want 50 mile rides. Right now I'm stuck at 25 miles in training. We seem to be run-focused now. So I'll just enjoy the running. It seems that when we focus on something that gets ramped up quite a bit so I just have to wait. That first five-hour bike ride is going to feel sooooo good.
Week six of strength training and we get measured this week sometime. At home I'm at 124 lbs, the lowest I've been, and shooting for 107.5lbs-114lbs by HIM day which means I have to have a deficit of 2060-3400 calories per week. Easy-peasy. Especially since the training can only get longer and harder and I'm already hitting that now. So I will be goal weight by HIM. Then I can eat what I train forever whoohoo!! :) It will be so weird to not have to lose weight. 106 lbs down from heaviest, 91 lbs down from when I started working out. Three weeks until my third year anniversary of working out, let's say I burn a lb each of those weeks, that would put me at 121lbs or 94 lbs down from when I started three years ago, so that's 31 lbs per year or 2.58 or so lbs per month, and maintained. 40 months total to lose all the weight I had to lose. I can live with that.
I think I'm getting stronger. It's funny because I'm at the small step now. There's two steps (a metal thingie you use to do step ups and things like that) and I'm at the small one, I can't use the big one yet. I can't use the "big girl's step." But I LOVE that. It makes me want to try hard each and every time. You won't let me use your big step? I will become so good I will MAKE you let me use your big step!! Since I started working I've always loved not being able to do things because I know one day I will get there. One day I will get to the big step, and that drives me and will give me tons of satisfaction once it gets here.
I get jealous when I read about other people training longer and farther than me ha. Not faster, because that just comes with time. I want 50 mile rides. Right now I'm stuck at 25 miles in training. We seem to be run-focused now. So I'll just enjoy the running. It seems that when we focus on something that gets ramped up quite a bit so I just have to wait. That first five-hour bike ride is going to feel sooooo good.
Week six of strength training and we get measured this week sometime. At home I'm at 124 lbs, the lowest I've been, and shooting for 107.5lbs-114lbs by HIM day which means I have to have a deficit of 2060-3400 calories per week. Easy-peasy. Especially since the training can only get longer and harder and I'm already hitting that now. So I will be goal weight by HIM. Then I can eat what I train forever whoohoo!! :) It will be so weird to not have to lose weight. 106 lbs down from heaviest, 91 lbs down from when I started working out. Three weeks until my third year anniversary of working out, let's say I burn a lb each of those weeks, that would put me at 121lbs or 94 lbs down from when I started three years ago, so that's 31 lbs per year or 2.58 or so lbs per month, and maintained. 40 months total to lose all the weight I had to lose. I can live with that.
I think I'm getting stronger. It's funny because I'm at the small step now. There's two steps (a metal thingie you use to do step ups and things like that) and I'm at the small one, I can't use the big one yet. I can't use the "big girl's step." But I LOVE that. It makes me want to try hard each and every time. You won't let me use your big step? I will become so good I will MAKE you let me use your big step!! Since I started working I've always loved not being able to do things because I know one day I will get there. One day I will get to the big step, and that drives me and will give me tons of satisfaction once it gets here.
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